I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
