I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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