Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
