The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
