I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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