I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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