i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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