btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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