sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
