Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
