I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
