one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My life is pants optional.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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