I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
