Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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