you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
