Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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