Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
