i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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