My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
