I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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