I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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