I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
