Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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