its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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