I smell stomach acid.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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