I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
