FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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