do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
