I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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