I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
