I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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