When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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