Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Alive.
So much puke
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
