she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
