Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
