that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
