I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
