; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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