final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
