I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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