the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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