He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
