i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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