Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
