well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
