life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
