I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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