why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
