my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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