im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i will never coherently bang her
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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