I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
