I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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