Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
