I need to stop coming to work sober
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
