Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
